I always
thought that I would adopt. You know,
the dreams and goals you set for yourself before you realize that God has
different (much grander) plans for yourself.
I thought I would get married to the love of my life, have two
biological kids, and adopt two kids -the perfect 2 boys and 2 girls balance, of
course. Then, life went completely
different than I planned (with the exception of marrying the love of my life.)
Matt and I
had our oldest girls fairly easily.
Then, we wanted a third. After
two heartbreaking miscarriages, I started to mention/nag about adoption to
Matt. I just knew that our pain would
lead to an adoption of a child that the Lord would use to heal our deeply
wounded hearts. I set out to convince
Matt of the same.
My plans
were put on pause when I found out we were expecting. This pregnancy was healthy, but I was
paralyzed by fear that our baby boy would not survive. In fact, I tried to bargain with God. I would pray things like,”God, if you allow
him to live, I promise I will follow through with the adoption thing.” I can’t believe I was so prideful to think
that God needed my offering to give health to my baby. I am sure I pained the Savior’s heart when I
prayed like that – in a way that said that His death wasn’t enough.
Our baby boy
brought a lot of healing balm to our family.
But, in the back of my mind, I still thought about my end of the “deal”
I thought I had made with God. So, I
started with the hounding again.
Every time I
would bring up the subject of adoption, Matt would say the same thing – that he
wasn’t opposed to adoption, but he just didn’t feel the same call that I
did. After much too much nagging, my
wise mother suggested that I pray. Not
only that, but she asked me to pray and not bring up adoption to Matt
again. I felt as if that was a HUGE
request, but I also knew that she was completely right. I had to stop trying to force this major life
calling onto my husband.
So, I
prayed. I prayed for months. Some of my prayers were for the Lord to place
the same desire to adopt on Matt’s heart.
But, most of my prayers were that I would stop hounding him about
it. I knew that if I convinced him of
this, and it wasn’t of the Lord, it may very well destroy our marriage and our
family.
A few months
passed, and I was stunned when Matt came home from a Men’s Leadership Meeting
at church, and said that he thought we should foster. I was shocked that Matt felt our family being
called to this really difficult thing, and I was completely thrown off by the
fact that he said, “foster,” and not, “adopt.”
In fact, I was tempted to tell God that He got it wrong. My request was for adoption, not for bringing
in a child to love as our own, and then possibly having to give him/her
back. The thought terrified me, and so I
started to drag my feet the minute that Matt had found his footing.
Matt made
the call to Miracle Hill, we received the initial paperwork, and he took the lead
on the rest of the licensing process. He
said that once he made that first step of obedience the rest came pretty easily
and quickly. The Lord really was
working, and even in the midst of my fear, obedience felt completely right and
wonderful to me, too.
We now have a precious baby girl in our home! Matt and I, and our three biological kids,
are completely in love with this child.
Her life is so precious, and I pray that I get to see the plans God has
in store for her. We have had her for a
little over three months. These past few
months have been so wonderfully hard.
She is so young, but she has taught me so much already. She is so content and peaceful despite the
fact that she was born into an extremely chaotic situation. I have learned to
place my shoes of peace on every morning and trust! I trust the plans that God has, even if that
means letting go of her. Will we be
heartbroken all over again? Of course. But, it is worth it. It is worth it to be faithful followers of
the One who knows heartbreak over His children.
We want to be faithful to the one who
loves our foster baby fully and is heartbroken over her situation, too.
He is heartbroken over His children who will be eternally separated from Him
because they don't accept the precious gift of His son, Jesus. He is
heartbroken and longing to bring us His perfect healing. He is the one
that can be completely trusted with future plans for our children and
families! It is worth the possibility of pain knowing we are being
obedient to our loving and sovereign Heavenly Father!
